FUCK

Okay...So The bf signs onto msn at 11:45pm....he should be working!! HE NEVERS comes on msn during this time...SO I WANT TO HUG AND KISS THE POOR GUY CAUSE I HAVEN'T spoken to him in over a week. So, you know what I get....10 minutes of him saying "LOL" to everything I type...and I ask him what he can tell me...HE DOESN'T KNOW because HE DOESN'T ASK....and so I sit at home upset....knowing he won't call...I like to give him the benefit of the doubt that the phones are busy...BUT it's starting to seem like he just doesn't try...and why does it seem like that....because of Trevor's history...AND BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG LATELY AND I NEED HIM HOME...and it's not his fault...but things were going so well...I was handling it all okay...AND BAM...HELL is handed to me on a silver platter...and I want Trevor home :(....ugh....I"M GETTING ALL PISSY AT HIM...and I shouldn't....but it seems like he just doesn't try anymore...and that msn conversation....just made things EXTREMELY SHITTY....he sounded so "whatever" and didn't even seem to care he hasn't talked to me in over a week...FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...COME HOME....aaahhhh I AM BEING SUCH A BABY....BUT I AM SO MAD!!!
He says he'll call me in a "couple of days"...if you know Trevor in the least...a "couple" could mean anything from 2 days-2 weeks.....and I"M GETTING SICK OF THE VAGUENESS OF EVERYTHING....*PUKE*....Trevor kept telling me before he left that I'll prolly want to leave him after 2 months of him being gone...and I said NO WAY....I will want you home even worse....BUT I"M SICK OF IT...HE'S RIGHT....THIS IS GETTING dumb...I want some SUBSTANCE...and all I get is...lol...lol....lol...lol....and it doesn't seem the same as other soldiers...it just seems like he's not trying....I THOUGHT I'D BE DANCING ALL OVER THE PLACE after msn with Trevor...but I want to cry even more than before...AND DON'T GET ME WRONG...I'd never end it with him...I couldn't leave this realtionship if I WANTED TO....I love him with everything....Just EVERYTHING....but I want to pound on his chest until I start crying and I want to just hug him....GRRRRR....I thought this would make me feel better....but now I just spent half an hour sitting on the shower floor with the water spraying on my back, staring at the wall as tears just kind of slipped out...no crying...just tears falling...damnit...I want to feel normal again....