Wow....who'd ever think I would be happy to hear Trevor is at a FOB...WOOT WOOT!!!
I was saying to my sister....the funny thing is....in the beginning, when this whole idea of Trevor being "over there" was new, Just the thought of him BEING THERE was hell enough...then when I found out he was heading out to a FOB (Forward Operating Base) I cryed myself to sleep for two nights in a row...THEN when I found out he'd be out in the middle of nowhere for the next GODKNOWS how many days, in the middle of a MISSION....I B.A.W.L.E.D....I literally was a stump for like 5 days in a row. But I slowly became numb to the reality of what he was doing (which is really easy to do when they are so far away)...and after about 6 or so more days Trevor called me today to tell me he was back at a FOB!!! WOOHOOO......it's hilarious that I know think....we've hit rock bottom....he's been out in the middle of a mission....in the middle of nowhere....fighting...interacting with "the people". Now, we can only go backwards....and back IS AWESOME!!! AN FOB IS FRIGGIN FANTASTIC....DO you know what an FOB means?!?!?! IT MEANS INTERNET ACCESS...E-MAILS & MSN (though very few and far between, BUT SO MUCH MORE THAN WHEN HE WAS ON A MISSION FOR 2 WEEKS STRAIGHT!!! WOOT WOOT!!!....Oh I NEVER thought the day when I would be happy to know he was at an FOB would COME!!! THANK you THANK YOU THANK YOU!!!
MERRY CHRISTMAS AND A HAPPY NEW YEAR!!!
Tuesday, December 26, 2006
Saturday, December 23, 2006
The Little Things...
It's missing the little things that really start to add up...
When you miss,
Him cleaning my glasses for me every morning, even though I never asked him to...
Him making sure I'm in bed and then turning off the lights for me...
Us brushing our teeth together in the mornings...
His kiss on my forehead every morning before leaving for work...
Him opening the car door for me EVERYTIME, even though I try racing him to the door so I can open it myself for once...
Him holding me (or my hand if I need space) until I fall asleep every night...
Him absent-mindedly playing with the ring on my hand while he talks to someone else...
Him carrying my luggage or lap-top to my car for me...
Him writing messages to me in the fogged up mirror after his shower because he knows I'll be taking one after him...
Him helping me make my bed in the morning (even if he doesn't know how to place throw pillows...LOL!)....
Him helping me change the sheets on the bed, and then catching me in the sheets and tickling me until I can't breathe...
Him wiping the tears off my cheeks when I cry...
Him trying to help me put my pants on, but pulling them up WAY too high each time *giggle*...
Him letting my dog out to go, instead of me...
Him hugging me outside the back door every day when he comes home from work and always telling me how good I look or how nice I smell...
It's those tiny things that seem so daily and that I took for granted, until I realized that they really mean so much...and add up so quickly when he's gone. Now I know...I will never take those sorts of things for granted...and I know I will never stop loving this man...
Come home safe baby...I Hope I hear from you soon...Merry Christmas..<3
When you miss,
Him cleaning my glasses for me every morning, even though I never asked him to...
Him making sure I'm in bed and then turning off the lights for me...
Us brushing our teeth together in the mornings...
His kiss on my forehead every morning before leaving for work...
Him opening the car door for me EVERYTIME, even though I try racing him to the door so I can open it myself for once...
Him holding me (or my hand if I need space) until I fall asleep every night...
Him absent-mindedly playing with the ring on my hand while he talks to someone else...
Him carrying my luggage or lap-top to my car for me...
Him writing messages to me in the fogged up mirror after his shower because he knows I'll be taking one after him...
Him helping me make my bed in the morning (even if he doesn't know how to place throw pillows...LOL!)....
Him helping me change the sheets on the bed, and then catching me in the sheets and tickling me until I can't breathe...
Him wiping the tears off my cheeks when I cry...
Him trying to help me put my pants on, but pulling them up WAY too high each time *giggle*...
Him letting my dog out to go, instead of me...
Him hugging me outside the back door every day when he comes home from work and always telling me how good I look or how nice I smell...
It's those tiny things that seem so daily and that I took for granted, until I realized that they really mean so much...and add up so quickly when he's gone. Now I know...I will never take those sorts of things for granted...and I know I will never stop loving this man...
Come home safe baby...I Hope I hear from you soon...Merry Christmas..<3
EFFIN CELL PHONES :( BOO!
So...It's been 1 week since I've heard from Trevor...as of tomorrow this has officially been the longest we've ever gone without some sort of connection...
BUT....Guess who tried calling me this morning from a satellite phone?! Trevor! But...he called my cell phone...at 8:30am...I was sleeping...in the basement...Guess where my cell phone has not reception? IN THE DAMN BASEMENT...so all I hear this morning is the lovely crackling on the Satellite phone...and the sporatic bursts of "hello?!?!...Hel..?!?!"...and then nothing...as 10 seconds later my cell phone loses all reception...[Insert creative and bountiful amount of swear words here]
GAH...JUST SHOOT ME IN THE DAMN HEAD NOW!! Since I talk to this other lady who's hubby is deployed to the same FOB...he's an engineer....so guess what....HER AND HER HUBBY TALK EVERY DAMN DAY :(...Boo!
Oh...Merry Christmas...(no sarcasm intended...I love the holidays!)
Enjoy family and food...remember...the calories you eat from Dec. 20-Jan.3 don't count...all the laughter you enjoy during the holiday season burns it off :D)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
BUT....Guess who tried calling me this morning from a satellite phone?! Trevor! But...he called my cell phone...at 8:30am...I was sleeping...in the basement...Guess where my cell phone has not reception? IN THE DAMN BASEMENT...so all I hear this morning is the lovely crackling on the Satellite phone...and the sporatic bursts of "hello?!?!...Hel..?!?!"...and then nothing...as 10 seconds later my cell phone loses all reception...[Insert creative and bountiful amount of swear words here]
GAH...JUST SHOOT ME IN THE DAMN HEAD NOW!! Since I talk to this other lady who's hubby is deployed to the same FOB...he's an engineer....so guess what....HER AND HER HUBBY TALK EVERY DAMN DAY :(...Boo!
Oh...Merry Christmas...(no sarcasm intended...I love the holidays!)
Enjoy family and food...remember...the calories you eat from Dec. 20-Jan.3 don't count...all the laughter you enjoy during the holiday season burns it off :D)
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!!
Friday, December 22, 2006
Crap...Stupid holidays
So...I officially broke down at work today...oy...I NEVER cry at work.
AND...I was doing sssoo well for a while...I am now officially able to count DOWN the days, instead of UP, because we've hit the "half-way" mark for his tour. AND I was uber excited about Christmas and all....and then...Around 10am at work today...I just broke down...on the phone with my mom. She told me she was going to buy presents for me FROM TREVOR....so that I can open presents "from Trevor" on Christmas day. I don't know what it was....but I just lost it, I started bawling on the phone. It doesn't help that our office is as tiny as a fat man's bathroom and that everyone can hear me on the phone. I knew it was just one of those moments that pop up out of nowhere and hit you hard, but only last for about an hour. Yet, this time it happened at work...not cool :(
It's just that the holiday season is such an incredible time for my family...we are all so close and we always make Christmas a big deal, and all I see are people with their loved ones for Christmas, and I won't have Trevor around for our FIRST Christmas together. Also, our 6 month mark is coming up in about a week and it all just hit me today when my mom called. I just want him home so bad, I can't imagine how he is feeling with Christmas right around the corner and NOONE to celebrate with, as he is out at a FOB fighting on the front lines....the only Christmas tree is in the Engineer's tent...and it is a marijuana tree *GIGGLE* with candy canes hanging from it. He must be feeling so alone...and I hate that idea that he might be feeling that way...I want to hold that man so bad, and today was just one of those days....BUT
My sister brought in to the office this AWESOME S'MORE MAKING MACHINE...with mini flames....so after I cried in the bathroom for about an hour, she made me s'mores to make me feel better....it was great! Except I stabbed my thumb with the spear...and it bled on my marshmallow *HEHEHEHE* oh man...I have such great stories to tell Trevor when he comes home...I just hope that comes faster than it feels right now...
AND...I was doing sssoo well for a while...I am now officially able to count DOWN the days, instead of UP, because we've hit the "half-way" mark for his tour. AND I was uber excited about Christmas and all....and then...Around 10am at work today...I just broke down...on the phone with my mom. She told me she was going to buy presents for me FROM TREVOR....so that I can open presents "from Trevor" on Christmas day. I don't know what it was....but I just lost it, I started bawling on the phone. It doesn't help that our office is as tiny as a fat man's bathroom and that everyone can hear me on the phone. I knew it was just one of those moments that pop up out of nowhere and hit you hard, but only last for about an hour. Yet, this time it happened at work...not cool :(
It's just that the holiday season is such an incredible time for my family...we are all so close and we always make Christmas a big deal, and all I see are people with their loved ones for Christmas, and I won't have Trevor around for our FIRST Christmas together. Also, our 6 month mark is coming up in about a week and it all just hit me today when my mom called. I just want him home so bad, I can't imagine how he is feeling with Christmas right around the corner and NOONE to celebrate with, as he is out at a FOB fighting on the front lines....the only Christmas tree is in the Engineer's tent...and it is a marijuana tree *GIGGLE* with candy canes hanging from it. He must be feeling so alone...and I hate that idea that he might be feeling that way...I want to hold that man so bad, and today was just one of those days....BUT
My sister brought in to the office this AWESOME S'MORE MAKING MACHINE...with mini flames....so after I cried in the bathroom for about an hour, she made me s'mores to make me feel better....it was great! Except I stabbed my thumb with the spear...and it bled on my marshmallow *HEHEHEHE* oh man...I have such great stories to tell Trevor when he comes home...I just hope that comes faster than it feels right now...
Monday, December 18, 2006
A Poem <3
Well...lots has happened to me in the last week, so I don't really know where to start. So I've decided just to post a poem...I hope this touches others as much as it touched me...
The Army Girlfriend
Everyone hears of the Army Wife,
Her trials, sacrifices, and devoted life.
She is strong, she is brave, and she is loving indeed,
Standing by her man in his time of need.
But what of others in a similar situation,
Who have made being an Army girlfriend their main occupation?
They suffer many of the same trials and many of the same fears
Without the security of future years.
Will there be peace or will there be war?
You try to be hopeful but it's hard to ignore.
The world seems to be falling apart
When, to a soldier, you have given your heart.
Your love runs too deep to escape from it now.
Your hope to be together somewhere, somehow,
When his duty is over and your life can begin.
You wonder if it will happen but don't question when.
The many heartbreaks and the times you did weep
When he made promises the Army couldn't keep.
But you have learned so much together and come so far.
Others warned you not to fall in love but you already are.
His job is ever-changing and takes him far away.
You think of him always and pray every day--
For his safety, his courage, and his love for you
That he remain steadfast, loyal, and ever true.
Nothing is sure and nothing is set in stone.....
Except that he will leave again and you will be alone,
Holding tightly to your dreams of a future together
When you will at last be able to say the word "forever."
Tears have become anything but a stranger.
They fall freely in sadness, loneliness, and anger.
But he will never know because you will never tell.
You've learned to hide your misery only too well.
A few years? That doesn't sound like so long.
The letters and phone calls keep your love going strong,
Even when they are few and far between,
In them, his love for you can clearly be seen.
So keep your chin up and a smile on your face.
He is protecting your freedom and keeping you safe.
His heart is strong and his love is true
And don't ever forget that he is missing you too.
I Love You Baby...Come Home Safe...I'll See You Soon <3
The Army Girlfriend
Everyone hears of the Army Wife,
Her trials, sacrifices, and devoted life.
She is strong, she is brave, and she is loving indeed,
Standing by her man in his time of need.
But what of others in a similar situation,
Who have made being an Army girlfriend their main occupation?
They suffer many of the same trials and many of the same fears
Without the security of future years.
Will there be peace or will there be war?
You try to be hopeful but it's hard to ignore.
The world seems to be falling apart
When, to a soldier, you have given your heart.
Your love runs too deep to escape from it now.
Your hope to be together somewhere, somehow,
When his duty is over and your life can begin.
You wonder if it will happen but don't question when.
The many heartbreaks and the times you did weep
When he made promises the Army couldn't keep.
But you have learned so much together and come so far.
Others warned you not to fall in love but you already are.
His job is ever-changing and takes him far away.
You think of him always and pray every day--
For his safety, his courage, and his love for you
That he remain steadfast, loyal, and ever true.
Nothing is sure and nothing is set in stone.....
Except that he will leave again and you will be alone,
Holding tightly to your dreams of a future together
When you will at last be able to say the word "forever."
Tears have become anything but a stranger.
They fall freely in sadness, loneliness, and anger.
But he will never know because you will never tell.
You've learned to hide your misery only too well.
A few years? That doesn't sound like so long.
The letters and phone calls keep your love going strong,
Even when they are few and far between,
In them, his love for you can clearly be seen.
So keep your chin up and a smile on your face.
He is protecting your freedom and keeping you safe.
His heart is strong and his love is true
And don't ever forget that he is missing you too.
I Love You Baby...Come Home Safe...I'll See You Soon <3
Tuesday, December 12, 2006
Relieved...and it's 2 months today!
So Trevor called during lunch as I was teaching my class in Calgary. We talked for 50 MINUTES!!! Wow am I relieved. Except....
Trevor had pretty much prepaired himself for the fact that I was going to break up with him. He thought I was finally through with this military bullshit and thought I was going to end our relationship. I literally almost puked...my stomach was moving and I was feeling nauseous. I couldn't leave this man if I WANTED TO...and some days I wish my life was normal...but leaving Trevor could never happen as that thought is about A MILLION times worse then having to wait for him to come home, belive me...once he comes home, it will all seem worth it. He is the perfect man for me....and the most kind hearted gentlemen...I thank God everyday for putting him in my life...AND HIS FAMILY....don't even get me started...THEY ARE WONDERFUL....I can't believe I was blessed with such an incredible man, let alone him having an EXTREMELY supportive and FUN family! Trevor and I worked things out on the phone...I wasn't mad...it was just easier to take all my life's problems out on Trevor because he's gone, and it's so easy to dissociate from that. But we did need to work some more communication into our situation, so we are both working on it. He is my rock. I bet there have been a few guys over there who've been dumped recently, and that is probably why Trevor was so worried. I can't imagine what it's like to be in the evironment he's in Everyday...rockets...gunfire...alarms...sleeping on cots...under tents....Dust EVERYwhere!! People yelling...adrenlaine 24/7...the poor guy said it felt like it was still OCTOBER....he sounded EXTREMELY depressed when I told him Christmas was in 2 weeks...Wow....he really just wants to come home...I've never heard him so needing something...and he needs to be home...well... AT LEAST IT'S THE TWO MONTH MARK TODAY!!...WE'VE MADE IT TWO MONTHS....only 2 1/2 more left :( lol....We're not even half way through....but almost...and we can do it baby...we can :D
Trevor had pretty much prepaired himself for the fact that I was going to break up with him. He thought I was finally through with this military bullshit and thought I was going to end our relationship. I literally almost puked...my stomach was moving and I was feeling nauseous. I couldn't leave this man if I WANTED TO...and some days I wish my life was normal...but leaving Trevor could never happen as that thought is about A MILLION times worse then having to wait for him to come home, belive me...once he comes home, it will all seem worth it. He is the perfect man for me....and the most kind hearted gentlemen...I thank God everyday for putting him in my life...AND HIS FAMILY....don't even get me started...THEY ARE WONDERFUL....I can't believe I was blessed with such an incredible man, let alone him having an EXTREMELY supportive and FUN family! Trevor and I worked things out on the phone...I wasn't mad...it was just easier to take all my life's problems out on Trevor because he's gone, and it's so easy to dissociate from that. But we did need to work some more communication into our situation, so we are both working on it. He is my rock. I bet there have been a few guys over there who've been dumped recently, and that is probably why Trevor was so worried. I can't imagine what it's like to be in the evironment he's in Everyday...rockets...gunfire...alarms...sleeping on cots...under tents....Dust EVERYwhere!! People yelling...adrenlaine 24/7...the poor guy said it felt like it was still OCTOBER....he sounded EXTREMELY depressed when I told him Christmas was in 2 weeks...Wow....he really just wants to come home...I've never heard him so needing something...and he needs to be home...well... AT LEAST IT'S THE TWO MONTH MARK TODAY!!...WE'VE MADE IT TWO MONTHS....only 2 1/2 more left :( lol....We're not even half way through....but almost...and we can do it baby...we can :D
Saturday, December 9, 2006
FUCK
Okay...So The bf signs onto msn at 11:45pm....he should be working!! HE NEVERS comes on msn during this time...SO I WANT TO HUG AND KISS THE POOR GUY CAUSE I HAVEN'T spoken to him in over a week. So, you know what I get....10 minutes of him saying "LOL" to everything I type...and I ask him what he can tell me...HE DOESN'T KNOW because HE DOESN'T ASK....and so I sit at home upset....knowing he won't call...I like to give him the benefit of the doubt that the phones are busy...BUT it's starting to seem like he just doesn't try...and why does it seem like that....because of Trevor's history...AND BECAUSE EVERYTHING IS GOING WRONG LATELY AND I NEED HIM HOME...and it's not his fault...but things were going so well...I was handling it all okay...AND BAM...HELL is handed to me on a silver platter...and I want Trevor home :(....ugh....I"M GETTING ALL PISSY AT HIM...and I shouldn't....but it seems like he just doesn't try anymore...and that msn conversation....just made things EXTREMELY SHITTY....he sounded so "whatever" and didn't even seem to care he hasn't talked to me in over a week...FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK FUCK...COME HOME....aaahhhh I AM BEING SUCH A BABY....BUT I AM SO MAD!!!
He says he'll call me in a "couple of days"...if you know Trevor in the least...a "couple" could mean anything from 2 days-2 weeks.....and I"M GETTING SICK OF THE VAGUENESS OF EVERYTHING....*PUKE*....Trevor kept telling me before he left that I'll prolly want to leave him after 2 months of him being gone...and I said NO WAY....I will want you home even worse....BUT I"M SICK OF IT...HE'S RIGHT....THIS IS GETTING dumb...I want some SUBSTANCE...and all I get is...lol...lol....lol...lol....and it doesn't seem the same as other soldiers...it just seems like he's not trying....I THOUGHT I'D BE DANCING ALL OVER THE PLACE after msn with Trevor...but I want to cry even more than before...AND DON'T GET ME WRONG...I'd never end it with him...I couldn't leave this realtionship if I WANTED TO....I love him with everything....Just EVERYTHING....but I want to pound on his chest until I start crying and I want to just hug him....GRRRRR....I thought this would make me feel better....but now I just spent half an hour sitting on the shower floor with the water spraying on my back, staring at the wall as tears just kind of slipped out...no crying...just tears falling...damnit...I want to feel normal again....
He says he'll call me in a "couple of days"...if you know Trevor in the least...a "couple" could mean anything from 2 days-2 weeks.....and I"M GETTING SICK OF THE VAGUENESS OF EVERYTHING....*PUKE*....Trevor kept telling me before he left that I'll prolly want to leave him after 2 months of him being gone...and I said NO WAY....I will want you home even worse....BUT I"M SICK OF IT...HE'S RIGHT....THIS IS GETTING dumb...I want some SUBSTANCE...and all I get is...lol...lol....lol...lol....and it doesn't seem the same as other soldiers...it just seems like he's not trying....I THOUGHT I'D BE DANCING ALL OVER THE PLACE after msn with Trevor...but I want to cry even more than before...AND DON'T GET ME WRONG...I'd never end it with him...I couldn't leave this realtionship if I WANTED TO....I love him with everything....Just EVERYTHING....but I want to pound on his chest until I start crying and I want to just hug him....GRRRRR....I thought this would make me feel better....but now I just spent half an hour sitting on the shower floor with the water spraying on my back, staring at the wall as tears just kind of slipped out...no crying...just tears falling...damnit...I want to feel normal again....
Going Away for a bit again...No News From Trevor...
Hey Y'all *giggle*,
I'm leaving for Calgary tomorrow afternoon. I'll be there until next Monday, Therefore I won't be posting much on here.
I JUST finished making 40 REPORT CARDS for the swimming lessons I teach....wow...they took forfrigginEVER...but I love putting stickers on them at the end...that's like the highlight of my day...yes...I am amused by small things...(if it involves making children happy *BIG SMILE*)
Now I need to unpackish my stuff from California, and repackish for a whole other week away from home...ugh...Packing isn't so bad...but the unpacking is the worst....BUT I GET TO DO LAUNDRY...I LOVE LAUNDRY *laugh*...I know...I'm a geek....But I bet Trevor is happy about me liking to do laundry *wink*!
Anywho...I'm postponing my unpackingish/repackingish...I don't want to do it...maybe I'll go do a load of Towels...I hate washing towels...I don't know why...that's kind of a weird fact about me...hmmm....weird...
ANYWHO....I'm acting extremely weird because I have not heard from Trevor in a while, and I'm getting antsy about telling him about my work "issues" hehehehe....But..."No news from the Sandbox is Good News"...
OH OH OH OH OH....TREVOR'S BIG BRO JUST LEFT THIS MORNING TO GO PICK UP HIS FIANCEE IN THE STATES...SHE'S BEEN GONE FOR 3 YEARS DOWN THERE....I AM SO FRIGGIN HAPPY FOR HIM!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!....He's been with her now for the past...um...4ish hours...I was thinking about him...I wonder how incredibly AMAZED he is...wow...Good for him....he made it through three years...all over...wow...I'm proud of him...WAY TO GO BUD!!!
Plus I get to meet his finacee for the first time during this next week...YAY!!!
Okay...I should get to packing...and Maybe to e-mailg Trevor...AGAIN...Oy....the poor man is going to have like 10 e-mails piled up by the time he has a chance to look at them...tehehehe....
I'm leaving for Calgary tomorrow afternoon. I'll be there until next Monday, Therefore I won't be posting much on here.
I JUST finished making 40 REPORT CARDS for the swimming lessons I teach....wow...they took forfrigginEVER...but I love putting stickers on them at the end...that's like the highlight of my day...yes...I am amused by small things...(if it involves making children happy *BIG SMILE*)
Now I need to unpackish my stuff from California, and repackish for a whole other week away from home...ugh...Packing isn't so bad...but the unpacking is the worst....BUT I GET TO DO LAUNDRY...I LOVE LAUNDRY *laugh*...I know...I'm a geek....But I bet Trevor is happy about me liking to do laundry *wink*!
Anywho...I'm postponing my unpackingish/repackingish...I don't want to do it...maybe I'll go do a load of Towels...I hate washing towels...I don't know why...that's kind of a weird fact about me...hmmm....weird...
ANYWHO....I'm acting extremely weird because I have not heard from Trevor in a while, and I'm getting antsy about telling him about my work "issues" hehehehe....But..."No news from the Sandbox is Good News"...
OH OH OH OH OH....TREVOR'S BIG BRO JUST LEFT THIS MORNING TO GO PICK UP HIS FIANCEE IN THE STATES...SHE'S BEEN GONE FOR 3 YEARS DOWN THERE....I AM SO FRIGGIN HAPPY FOR HIM!!! WOOT WOOT!!!!....He's been with her now for the past...um...4ish hours...I was thinking about him...I wonder how incredibly AMAZED he is...wow...Good for him....he made it through three years...all over...wow...I'm proud of him...WAY TO GO BUD!!!
Plus I get to meet his finacee for the first time during this next week...YAY!!!
Okay...I should get to packing...and Maybe to e-mailg Trevor...AGAIN...Oy....the poor man is going to have like 10 e-mails piled up by the time he has a chance to look at them...tehehehe....
Friday, December 8, 2006
Life...Changes...
So....I'm back....California...or more specifically Marina Del Rey, L.A. was BEAUTIFUL AND SUNNY! (P.S. NO ONE KNOWS HOW TO DRIVE DOWN THERE...I was putting my life in my hands by driving down there...everyone has a ding/scratch/dent in their vechicle *giggle*).
But...I'm officially diagnosed with something called Fibromyaglia...that's not so bad I guess...but the kicker is...I am most positively going to pass it on to any children I have...SHIT...UGH...DAMNIT...lol...
Plus...Today was one of the worst days...The funny thing is....it started of so Fantastic!!!
I have been off of work for the last 2 WEEKS!! One week for healing of my wisdom teeth, and one week for Cali, I just got back to work this morning...I WAS ESCTATIC...DELIGHTED....I ACTUALLY wanted to go to work...I WAS PUMPED...I missed work!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!
The day started off wonderful...I was crazy busy catching up on work so the day FLEW...I think I only thought about Trevor 3 times LOL!
Then, the "OFFICE MANAGER" as she LIKES TO CALL HERSELF *rollseyes* called me abruptly into the conference room in front of all the other co-workers. She shuts the door and life went downhill from there. I can't exlain everything as you would need extensive amounts of background info, but basically that finished and I spoke with another co-worker in Kelowna and I got shut down there too....so I was feeling pretty damn shitty...to top it off...the loader in my boyfriend's tank called his wife today....she got a 20 minute call...and I got nothing...and I miss him so much...especially after this day. TO end an EXTREMELY LONG story, I went home and bawled...I ended up calling my boss and basically giving her my two weeks notice...unfortunately...she works in Calgary, and I have been scheduled to go down there this Sunday for all of next week. SO now I will be talking with her Tuesday night to determine what I will do. To be honest, I applied at another job today already, as I have never felt so defeated in a work place before. The weird part is....life at our work place is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE as our branch in another province. WHY?!?! Because of ONE SINGLE coworker...who beyond my HUGE AMOUNT of years of social working, I CANNOT COPE WITH...she actually has made me never want to work again...and my boss understand that! WEIRD...
But I applied at a place that could be considered the least guessable. I feel terrible because My boyfriend will have no idea what hit him when he get's my e-mail. He's in the 'Ghan and has missed huge chunks of my life, and it is sssooo diffcult to explain to him in "once-a-week" phone calls. The poor guy must feel completely out of the loop. Especially when he finds out I applied for a job with WestJet, he will have no idea where that came from, and that kind of job opens it's OWN can of worms with him and I....shit....What am I getting into with him around for support...and I'm doing such a lowsy job of suporting him....ugh...I need sleep...
But...I'm officially diagnosed with something called Fibromyaglia...that's not so bad I guess...but the kicker is...I am most positively going to pass it on to any children I have...SHIT...UGH...DAMNIT...lol...
Plus...Today was one of the worst days...The funny thing is....it started of so Fantastic!!!
I have been off of work for the last 2 WEEKS!! One week for healing of my wisdom teeth, and one week for Cali, I just got back to work this morning...I WAS ESCTATIC...DELIGHTED....I ACTUALLY wanted to go to work...I WAS PUMPED...I missed work!!! HAHAHAHAH!!!
The day started off wonderful...I was crazy busy catching up on work so the day FLEW...I think I only thought about Trevor 3 times LOL!
Then, the "OFFICE MANAGER" as she LIKES TO CALL HERSELF *rollseyes* called me abruptly into the conference room in front of all the other co-workers. She shuts the door and life went downhill from there. I can't exlain everything as you would need extensive amounts of background info, but basically that finished and I spoke with another co-worker in Kelowna and I got shut down there too....so I was feeling pretty damn shitty...to top it off...the loader in my boyfriend's tank called his wife today....she got a 20 minute call...and I got nothing...and I miss him so much...especially after this day. TO end an EXTREMELY LONG story, I went home and bawled...I ended up calling my boss and basically giving her my two weeks notice...unfortunately...she works in Calgary, and I have been scheduled to go down there this Sunday for all of next week. SO now I will be talking with her Tuesday night to determine what I will do. To be honest, I applied at another job today already, as I have never felt so defeated in a work place before. The weird part is....life at our work place is the COMPLETE OPPOSITE as our branch in another province. WHY?!?! Because of ONE SINGLE coworker...who beyond my HUGE AMOUNT of years of social working, I CANNOT COPE WITH...she actually has made me never want to work again...and my boss understand that! WEIRD...
But I applied at a place that could be considered the least guessable. I feel terrible because My boyfriend will have no idea what hit him when he get's my e-mail. He's in the 'Ghan and has missed huge chunks of my life, and it is sssooo diffcult to explain to him in "once-a-week" phone calls. The poor guy must feel completely out of the loop. Especially when he finds out I applied for a job with WestJet, he will have no idea where that came from, and that kind of job opens it's OWN can of worms with him and I....shit....What am I getting into with him around for support...and I'm doing such a lowsy job of suporting him....ugh...I need sleep...
Thursday, December 7, 2006
Saturday, December 2, 2006
There go my last hopes...
SO I was clinging onto the fact that Trevor hasn't even left the Kandahar base yet...I knew he was at least relatively safe there....And then the article came out today....I was wondering why Trevor didn't come on msn this morning....Well I got a nice surprise as to why...
All Tanks got shipped out to fight on the front lines to support the infantry. He is now at a FOB, which is about as safe as Sandbags. FUCK!...
I give up...I can't even rant on this issue because I don't know where to start and all I want to do is curl up on my bed and sleep....Maybe I'll handle these emtions better later and I can post another one...
All Tanks got shipped out to fight on the front lines to support the infantry. He is now at a FOB, which is about as safe as Sandbags. FUCK!...
I give up...I can't even rant on this issue because I don't know where to start and all I want to do is curl up on my bed and sleep....Maybe I'll handle these emtions better later and I can post another one...
CALI HERE I COME!!!
SO...I am officially leaving for the Sunshine STATE TOMORROW!!! WOOT WOOT!!! But I am nervous...This is only the second time I have been on a plane....and it's not like this trip is just a vacation...I'm going to see a doctor. Ugh...I keep asking my mom if there will be needles...and she avoids the question...AAAAAGGGGHHHHH I HAVE A PHOBIA OF NEEDLES...
BUT! We are going to....wait for it....wait for it.....DISNEYLAND! (and that new park they built) And my goal of this trip is to take as many damn pictures as I can.
Pictures...These are for Trevor. I want him to come home feeling like he was a part of my life while he was gone...not like he missed out on a third of my year. If he sees pictures of what I did and what I went through, I'm hoping this will help him feel like he was there....I really hope....
That's my goal....To make Trevor feel like he was THERE....like he did all those things with me, because to me he was there...in Spirit....I Love You Baby...See you in a "couple of weeks" *wink*
BUT! We are going to....wait for it....wait for it.....DISNEYLAND! (and that new park they built) And my goal of this trip is to take as many damn pictures as I can.
Pictures...These are for Trevor. I want him to come home feeling like he was a part of my life while he was gone...not like he missed out on a third of my year. If he sees pictures of what I did and what I went through, I'm hoping this will help him feel like he was there....I really hope....
That's my goal....To make Trevor feel like he was THERE....like he did all those things with me, because to me he was there...in Spirit....I Love You Baby...See you in a "couple of weeks" *wink*
Thursday, November 30, 2006
Another Ramp Ceremony
So...He had to attend another Ramp Ceremony today....Another Death...
FUCK!
Talk about slowly killing every ounce of human emotion left in my boyfriend :(
I can't stand to see him like this....he looks like me...Like he might break soon...I want to be strong for him sssoooo bad!! WHY CAN'T I BE STRONG?!?!?! I know I need to be his crutch right now...he is dealing with so much bullshit....but I feel so weak...not worthy of this right now...
Every Canadian soldier death is so personal now...I cry everytime I hear bag pipes (and you'd think I wouldn't hear them very often...WELL who's boss' husband plays bag pipes?!?! MINE UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!)
Why does he have to be surrounded by so much Death and grief? Surrounded by 'Macho Men' crying because they just witnessed a complete stranger blowing up their best friend!
Especially when I'm not around to hug him....just hold him...
I know how strong he is...but even I know he needs a hug....FUCK...WHAT NORMAL HUMAN BEING CAN GO THROUGH THIS?!?!
I want to protect him so bad....so damn bad....so so so so bad...
No more deaths...no more grief...no more lonely nights...sleeping on a cot that isn't even long enough...watching his fellow soldiers cry from the deepest depths of their crushed souls...working abnormal hours....7 days a week...no r&r's....no vacation time...Having to listen to his girlfriend cry everytime he calls....
I need to be strong...and I'm not strong enough for him...I need to protect him....I just need to protect him....Let me hold the poor guy....please....
FUCK!
Talk about slowly killing every ounce of human emotion left in my boyfriend :(
I can't stand to see him like this....he looks like me...Like he might break soon...I want to be strong for him sssoooo bad!! WHY CAN'T I BE STRONG?!?!?! I know I need to be his crutch right now...he is dealing with so much bullshit....but I feel so weak...not worthy of this right now...
Every Canadian soldier death is so personal now...I cry everytime I hear bag pipes (and you'd think I wouldn't hear them very often...WELL who's boss' husband plays bag pipes?!?! MINE UUUGGGHHHH!!!!!)
Why does he have to be surrounded by so much Death and grief? Surrounded by 'Macho Men' crying because they just witnessed a complete stranger blowing up their best friend!
Especially when I'm not around to hug him....just hold him...
I know how strong he is...but even I know he needs a hug....FUCK...WHAT NORMAL HUMAN BEING CAN GO THROUGH THIS?!?!
I want to protect him so bad....so damn bad....so so so so bad...
No more deaths...no more grief...no more lonely nights...sleeping on a cot that isn't even long enough...watching his fellow soldiers cry from the deepest depths of their crushed souls...working abnormal hours....7 days a week...no r&r's....no vacation time...Having to listen to his girlfriend cry everytime he calls....
I need to be strong...and I'm not strong enough for him...I need to protect him....I just need to protect him....Let me hold the poor guy....please....
THIS IS HIM IN THE 'GHAN!!
Well here is some background info...Trevor is 6'7". Now try guessing which one he is in these pictures from Afghanistan...
HE IS SO SEXY....*tehehehe*...I just wish the damn military would do the right thing for once and give these well deserving soldiers their HLTA and then I would have Trevor home for Christmas time :D for like two weeks!! But...that's not going to happen...:(....OH BUT I CAN KEEP HOPING :D
I love you so much Baby...Come Home when you come home...I'll be here...I promise...
Should I?
So I just finished talking to the boyfriend in the Sandbox...guess what?! I SAW HIM ON WEBCAM AND HOLY SHIT DOES HE LOOK GGGOOOODDDDD!!!!! WOW!!! I haven't been this happy in a llooonnggg time!!!
But here's the connundrum...Do I get my hopes up in the case they might GET SERIOULSY crushed...or should I remain neutral after hearing this most incredible news??? What's the news you ask? HE TELLS ME HE PROBABLY WONT BE RESIGNING HIS CONTRACT! OMG!!! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT IF MY HOPES COULD BE CRUSHED....I think I deserve a few weeks of Eternal BLISS!!! WOOT WOOT!!! This calls for an out right HAPPY DANCE!!!
Now...now it's the waiting...and the missing....and the loving...and the crying....and the laughing...and the waiting for the phone calls...and the no sleeping as I wait for his name to pop up on my msn screen...But am I happy right now? YES...DOWN RIGHT EXTATIC...He is gorgeous...and incredible...and loving...and perfect...and I SAW HIM!!!
And here comes me rant....As you know by now...I just had my wisdom teeth taken out a few days ago...I was unaware of this surgery before Trevor left...therefore I was upset when I knew I'd be going through surgery while he was gone...oh well...it wasn't too bad...BUT I JINXED MYSELF...I said to my mom when I got out of the surgery that I bet you anything the hospital will call and tell me that I've been bumped up the 9 month waiting list for tonsil removal and that I will be getting them out while the boyfriend is still gone....Well.....SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT....
Who called while I was on webcam with the guy?! None other than the lovely hospital...And when am I getting my tonsils removed? A month and a half before my guy comes home...Wooopppiieee....Don't I feel delighted...especially after seeing his face when I told him...he looked so defeated...he tried to make my laugh about it...but I could see his disappointment...Shit....
Well....looks like a few more rants will be coming your way oh Faithful Readers ;) tehehehe
But here's the connundrum...Do I get my hopes up in the case they might GET SERIOULSY crushed...or should I remain neutral after hearing this most incredible news??? What's the news you ask? HE TELLS ME HE PROBABLY WONT BE RESIGNING HIS CONTRACT! OMG!!! I DON"T GIVE A SHIT IF MY HOPES COULD BE CRUSHED....I think I deserve a few weeks of Eternal BLISS!!! WOOT WOOT!!! This calls for an out right HAPPY DANCE!!!
Now...now it's the waiting...and the missing....and the loving...and the crying....and the laughing...and the waiting for the phone calls...and the no sleeping as I wait for his name to pop up on my msn screen...But am I happy right now? YES...DOWN RIGHT EXTATIC...He is gorgeous...and incredible...and loving...and perfect...and I SAW HIM!!!
And here comes me rant....As you know by now...I just had my wisdom teeth taken out a few days ago...I was unaware of this surgery before Trevor left...therefore I was upset when I knew I'd be going through surgery while he was gone...oh well...it wasn't too bad...BUT I JINXED MYSELF...I said to my mom when I got out of the surgery that I bet you anything the hospital will call and tell me that I've been bumped up the 9 month waiting list for tonsil removal and that I will be getting them out while the boyfriend is still gone....Well.....SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT SHIT....
Who called while I was on webcam with the guy?! None other than the lovely hospital...And when am I getting my tonsils removed? A month and a half before my guy comes home...Wooopppiieee....Don't I feel delighted...especially after seeing his face when I told him...he looked so defeated...he tried to make my laugh about it...but I could see his disappointment...Shit....
Well....looks like a few more rants will be coming your way oh Faithful Readers ;) tehehehe
Wednesday, November 29, 2006
Signs?
Sorry...can't sleep tonight :P
I need to ask you all something....Do Canadian's walk around with big flashing neon signs that say, "I Love Spoon Fed Propoganda...Please Sir, Can I Have Som'ore?" ?!?!?!
This is my favourite quote from our New billion dollar waster....
Commercials stating, "The Fighting Continues, So Freedom Can!"
WOW...REALLY?!?! I had no idea that us fighting the American's war over ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD would help continue the freedom we enjoy here in Canada. Or correct me if I'm wrong...but that statement can't possibly include the idea of freedom in Afghanistan.
They never had freedom....right? So How can this statement possibly mean that our Canadians continue to fight and Die to "CONTINUE" the freedom in Afghanistan...um....hello....WRONG WORD...and US fighting OVER THERE will not continue our freedom...in fact it doesn't really affect our freedom at all.
I have all the respect and support for our troops fighting over there....I have to be honest in saying that I have NO IDEA what they do there day to day...and I EVEN HAVE A LOVED ONE FIGHTING there....isn't it sad...So many people seem to "KNOW" what goes on over there...and they all have such strong opinions about it...But Even I don't know what's really happening over there...and if you think you do because you watch the news...you are sadly mistaken....Because apparently we all have a "sign".
(Sorry....that was a very heated rant :(...I'm tired and my family wont stop righting about the war...and I bet what I all said didn't even make sense lol...I'll post an spology tomorrow...)
I need to ask you all something....Do Canadian's walk around with big flashing neon signs that say, "I Love Spoon Fed Propoganda...Please Sir, Can I Have Som'ore?" ?!?!?!
This is my favourite quote from our New billion dollar waster....
Commercials stating, "The Fighting Continues, So Freedom Can!"
WOW...REALLY?!?! I had no idea that us fighting the American's war over ON THE OTHER SIDE OF THE WORLD would help continue the freedom we enjoy here in Canada. Or correct me if I'm wrong...but that statement can't possibly include the idea of freedom in Afghanistan.
They never had freedom....right? So How can this statement possibly mean that our Canadians continue to fight and Die to "CONTINUE" the freedom in Afghanistan...um....hello....WRONG WORD...and US fighting OVER THERE will not continue our freedom...in fact it doesn't really affect our freedom at all.
I have all the respect and support for our troops fighting over there....I have to be honest in saying that I have NO IDEA what they do there day to day...and I EVEN HAVE A LOVED ONE FIGHTING there....isn't it sad...So many people seem to "KNOW" what goes on over there...and they all have such strong opinions about it...But Even I don't know what's really happening over there...and if you think you do because you watch the news...you are sadly mistaken....Because apparently we all have a "sign".
(Sorry....that was a very heated rant :(...I'm tired and my family wont stop righting about the war...and I bet what I all said didn't even make sense lol...I'll post an spology tomorrow...)
Me...Well....Some of me
So Maybe I should have started from the beginning...Usually I don't get all angry and sweary and that kind of jazz, but lately life seems to be cheering me on...taunting me....asking me to rant...LOL...So I started this blog. It all started with My boyfriend's older Brother, he had this awesome blog on this site (Xiolo's Space). He posted a picture of my boyfriend in Afghanistan on his site...and I wanted to do the same kind of thing :D. You see as much as I am lost in my thoughts to how I should feel about him being gone, I am extremely proud of him and what he does everyday to appease our country. Okay...see I'm going off on a rant already lol...Let me explain me life to you...or try to....
I grew up in a small town...Then I moved into the city. My opa fought in Word War II and war was never discussed in our family. You see, my Opa was held in a concentration camp for several years...Our family was not allowed to talk about the war...about war...about guns...knives...or any sort of violence. Don't get me wrong...our Family is very well educated in the happenings of the world, but I guess you can say it is extremely easy to feel dissociated from the "real feelings" of war. Guns were not allowed in the house and neither were any sort of weapon. Then....Then I met the man of my life, I never thought he would be in the military and have a "slight" obsession with guns and knifes *cough* slight *cough* LOL! You might wonder what my first question was to him on our first date...it went like this, "Are you planning on going on any tours any time soon?" and his answer was honest (from what he knew at the time) and he said, "Not until Jan of '08...And if I don't resign my contract I wont be going." Well didn't I feel great! I meet this INCREDIBLY good looking guy and I had A GOOD two years with him before all hell might break loose...until a month and a half later...all hell did break loose...And I now officially have a boyfriend living on the base in Afghanistan. We've been together for 5 months...and I know I want to marry this perfect guy, but do you want to know the truth? We have been together for 5 months...and have only really been TOGETHER (in the presence of each other) for 2 months. By the time he gets home, we'll have been together for 8+ months...and have only been TOGETHER for 2. This is the start of my story...
Never forget (in between all my teary rants and swearing, angry posts) that I am desperately in love with him and couldn't leave him if I tried.... If you can understand that....
I grew up in a small town...Then I moved into the city. My opa fought in Word War II and war was never discussed in our family. You see, my Opa was held in a concentration camp for several years...Our family was not allowed to talk about the war...about war...about guns...knives...or any sort of violence. Don't get me wrong...our Family is very well educated in the happenings of the world, but I guess you can say it is extremely easy to feel dissociated from the "real feelings" of war. Guns were not allowed in the house and neither were any sort of weapon. Then....Then I met the man of my life, I never thought he would be in the military and have a "slight" obsession with guns and knifes *cough* slight *cough* LOL! You might wonder what my first question was to him on our first date...it went like this, "Are you planning on going on any tours any time soon?" and his answer was honest (from what he knew at the time) and he said, "Not until Jan of '08...And if I don't resign my contract I wont be going." Well didn't I feel great! I meet this INCREDIBLY good looking guy and I had A GOOD two years with him before all hell might break loose...until a month and a half later...all hell did break loose...And I now officially have a boyfriend living on the base in Afghanistan. We've been together for 5 months...and I know I want to marry this perfect guy, but do you want to know the truth? We have been together for 5 months...and have only really been TOGETHER (in the presence of each other) for 2 months. By the time he gets home, we'll have been together for 8+ months...and have only been TOGETHER for 2. This is the start of my story...
Never forget (in between all my teary rants and swearing, angry posts) that I am desperately in love with him and couldn't leave him if I tried.... If you can understand that....
How to start...??
Okay...I don't know where to start...let's start with my day today (oh what a day) and then I will start from the beginning...Here goes...
Who the hell calls for tech support at 5pm on a Wednesday work day and asks the sales lady to personally call the tech support lady (who is me by the way...AT HOME WITH A YELLOW/PURPLE FACE FROM HER RECENT WISDOM TEETH REMOVAL!!!) and ask her to basically do contract work FOR FREE to help this assinine lady who left her project to the last minute! She is, by the way, using a trial disc to do this project...which is DUE TOMORROW...and called today at 5pm asking to have ME PERSONALLY FINISH HER DAM N PROJECT FOR HER...because , as she threatens, "I will not buy your software if my client tomorrow does not like my finished project" WHICH SHE HAS NOT FINISHED AND CALLED ADN ASKED ME TO DO IT FOR HER AND IT IS 9:30PM THE NIGHT BEFORE and I am slowly watching the screen go... 33%...34%.....35%....36% BECAUSE I DON"T EVEN HAVE THE VERSION OF THE DAMN SOFTWARE SHE USES ON MY COMPUTER YET!!! AAGGHHHHHHHH So......Where do I start?
I will post a new blog explaining my life in a few short moments....after finishing this lady's project and hanging myself from my back deck's roof. I know only My boyfriend and his brother's will read this blog site...but damn it! I LOVE TO RANT...because right now...it is the only thing that keeps me sane... and boy do I love to laugh about my shitty shitty moments in life :D
Who the hell calls for tech support at 5pm on a Wednesday work day and asks the sales lady to personally call the tech support lady (who is me by the way...AT HOME WITH A YELLOW/PURPLE FACE FROM HER RECENT WISDOM TEETH REMOVAL!!!) and ask her to basically do contract work FOR FREE to help this assinine lady who left her project to the last minute! She is, by the way, using a trial disc to do this project...which is DUE TOMORROW...and called today at 5pm asking to have ME PERSONALLY FINISH HER DAM N PROJECT FOR HER...because , as she threatens, "I will not buy your software if my client tomorrow does not like my finished project" WHICH SHE HAS NOT FINISHED AND CALLED ADN ASKED ME TO DO IT FOR HER AND IT IS 9:30PM THE NIGHT BEFORE and I am slowly watching the screen go... 33%...34%.....35%....36% BECAUSE I DON"T EVEN HAVE THE VERSION OF THE DAMN SOFTWARE SHE USES ON MY COMPUTER YET!!! AAGGHHHHHHHH So......Where do I start?
I will post a new blog explaining my life in a few short moments....after finishing this lady's project and hanging myself from my back deck's roof. I know only My boyfriend and his brother's will read this blog site...but damn it! I LOVE TO RANT...because right now...it is the only thing that keeps me sane... and boy do I love to laugh about my shitty shitty moments in life :D
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